


Y'know, t's not the length of the vector that counts... it's how you apply the force

by Satanismywaifu



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Humor, Its not sexual at all in the first chapter, M/M, Pick Up Lines, Sexting, Shit what do I tag this, cecil doesnt know how to sext, science pick up lines, this chapter is funny
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-20
Updated: 2015-04-20
Packaged: 2018-03-24 22:56:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3787447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Satanismywaifu/pseuds/Satanismywaifu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cecil is bored at work and then learns about sexting from a magazine, he attempts sexting but.. his method is odd and confusing. Carlos is more confused than anything. He then talks some science into his boyfriend's ear.  This will be nsfw in the next chapter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Y'know, t's not the length of the vector that counts... it's how you apply the force

**Author's Note:**

> This will be nsfw in the next chapter! I cranked this out in less than an hour. I think I'll be editing this a little. But I wanted to upload it before I went to bed

Cecil was bored. Which was odd because boredom had been outlawed by city council a few years ago. So this was an unprecedented and unwanted emotion. His brow furrowed.. oh what to do, he hoped that his thoughts were safe in his head because being fired for work related boredom was something he hoped would never happen. 

 

Bored. Bored bored bored. And he wasn't set to broadcast until.. he checked his calendar. Until the third rainfall of the season. Hm. Alright. That gave him about.. indefinite hours until he actually had something to do. 

After stewing in boredom for a bit longer, he remembered.. he'd picked up a magazine yesterday. The particular magazine had an overplayed pop star on the cover, bold ugly font and advertised the usual things that one would find in a cosmopolitan. Hair tips.. Lady Gaga's hand picked shotgun collection, a pull out gallery of finest taxidermied sea animals, how to stash grandma's corpse and keep collecting her retirement funds, Updates on Ashton Kutcher's astral projection project.. Y'know the usual.  
But the reason Cecil picked up the magazine wasn't for celebrity gossip, he picked it up to kill a rat that ran over his foot in the grocery store.  
But after he wiped its metallic remains off, he noticed something that was advertised in camouflage on the back 'Sexy tips to tease a man until he's begging' at first, Cecil was going to put it down, but the woman at the register said that he had to buy it to cover for the damaged rat. Cecil wasn't the type to be into anything too out there. But a little spice in your life never hurt. Unless that spice was mace. Then that would hurt. 

So at his desk, he flipped through the magazine, trying to find the sex tips section. Because.. as everyone knows, Cosmo tips are always the epitome of fun and sexy. He'd never applied them in the bedroom.. but he figured they must be legit. It's illegal for magazines to lie isn’t it?  
Hm.. he hadn't actually read the magazine bylaws and information pamphlet. Perhaps he should do that soon. Ah! There's the page. It was hidden within the inseam of the magazine. Once pulling it out, he read the first term on the bulleted list of the article. 

“Sexting. “

The definition was nothing like he’d expected.. he realized it was not a different form of a sextant but instead was a combination of the words 'sex' and 'texting' Alright. That made more sense, Cecil came here for sex advice, not information on Christopher Columbus.  
Under the term, the magazine read 'Give your man a little something to be excited about before he gets home, send him something naughty through text'. Hm.. that didn't seem too hard. After reading the rest of the list, Cecil decided to try sexting. It seemed easier than spontaneous combustion, or preheating your man to 350 on broil. 

Cecil took out his phone and unlocked it with just a four digit code. He opened his texts and clicked on Carlos's icon. He typed out a single 'Hi' before chickening out and writing 'Never mind I revoke my hello' and then he set his phone down for a good ten minutes.  
Jeez.. was sexting supposed to be nerve wrecking or was that part of the 'fun and sexy' bit? Cecil scratched at his neck and stared at his phone he maybe wanted to will himself some courage but instead decided to play a game on his phone.

After a few minutes of smashing smiling pills with his thumb and cutting the lifelines of the citizens of his greek village, he sighed and decided to check his texts.. the only unread text he had was from a single digit number and all it said was 'EAT' in what looked like a papyrus font. How he hated that font.  
Cecil made a mental note on calling his phone company and asking that his bill reminder font be changed to something more sensible. Like.. Katricka, or bell serif bold. Anything but papyrus.

Finally he cleared his throat and made up his mind. Carlos would never tell him this was stupid. He knew him too well for that. So he had nothing to worry about. Oh how he loved that man. He sighed dreamily and typed out,

“Are you a mesopotamian grain farmer because you're making me hot like a pile of cow dung under the hot middle eastern sun. Fun Fact, mesopotamia is located near Tigris–Euphrates river system and anyone who denies it's location is misinformed or deceased.”

Yes. He felt exhilarated. Cecil wanted something to fistbump so he just said 'Yay!' outloud. Sexting was rather fun! Haha! There was no such thing as anxiety and fear of rejection! Nope! Not now! Cecil waited in agonizing silence as he awaited a reply. His phone buzzed. 

“Thank you? I think?' 

Aww.. Carlos was such a gentleman. He was probably blushing at his sciency desk right now. Awh. Wait. Sexting was not cute. It was purely sexual. Right. He cracked his knuckles and his head side to side. “You make me shiver. Im quaking like a sinner in the pews of his slightly cultist church.” 

Meanwhile.. back at the lab. Carlos was in the middle of an experiment. His fellow scientists had found a clump of hair that they believe to be at least fifty percent sentient. And that's pretty sentiment for a some hair they found on the floor of Rico's pizza. His phone buzzed again, and he was quick to answer, he even dropped his prodding device. When he read the message, a bushy eyebrow quirked and he sent a reply .

“Are you cold? Is that why you're shivering? You should maybe close the door and perhaps wear more clothes. I know you like that top but it supplies no warmth for your arms. Which is odd because it's a very very furry tanktop. But last time I put it in the wash it froze the water.”

When Cecil got that reply, he made a confused face. Was Carlos.. not interested in his sexting? Or perhaps he wasn't catching his metaphorical drift? Hm.. he decided it was the latter. Carlos was thick skulled sometimes. Which was absolutely adorable.

“Perhaps you're right. I am a bit cold.. I'd ask for you to warm me up but taking off my top should suffice. I should take it off now. Im a mobius stripper, as I unpeel my top I will be unpeeling my top forever.” 

Yes. This was getting steamy. Cecil grinned maniacally behind his phone.

Once reading the message.. Carlos was just a little confused. A little. “Oh no. Please don't take off your top. Workplace nudity is frowned upon. Atleast I think it is.”

Cecil's smile faded when he read the message. Maybe..Carlos was just going along with what he was doing and was sexting back in his odd carlos way?. He sent another message. 

“Are you at your desk right now?”

Carlos quickly replied, “No. I'm sitting on the floor.”

“Okay.. imagine that you are at your desk. And I am at your desk with you. Meaning that we are both metaphorically existing within this mental image of mine. Anyways. So we're both at your desk. Except I am on top of your desk. My top is off. As I have already taken if off within my previous message and-”

Carlos suddenly typed, “Sorry Cecil. Science is happening right now. I'll be right back.”

“Right. I await your return love.”

Cecil pasted his message into the box and kept typing. “And I tell you that I want to be with you.”

It was about ten minutes before Carlos came back to his phone. He wiped his brow with his sleeve and wiped the hair residue off of his phone. The semi sentient hair had grown and they were forced to contain it within a tupperware container that had held his sandwich that cecil packed for him. He decided on not telling Cecil that his sandwich had been ruined by a semi sentient mass of hair. Once reading Cecil's message. He felt his heart drop. 

“I was under the impression that I am in fact with you.”

Cecil yelped once reading that. Nono no no. This is not where the conversation was supposed to go. “You are. I mean.. I want you to be with me with me. Right now. On your desk.” He inserted some suggestive emoticons, an easter island head and a knife. 

“Cecil. ..” The writing icon went off, Carlos was typing. And then he seemingly erased what he'd written and then he sent. “Are you upset with me?” Shit! Was he somehow aware of the sandwich that got ruined?

Huh?! Cecil read the message and his thumbs couldn't type fast enough to voice his thoughts. “No. Im not upset at you. Lets.. imagine a different scenario. Imagine. I am a mighty lion. My mane is large and enticing. I'm a gorgeous terrifying beast. Mating season is upon us. And sniff the air looking for a mate. I can feel in my loins that I need to plant my seed within a mate capable of siring children. As I need to contribute cubs to my pride in order to remain as the head lion. I approach you. A beautiful young thing of a lioness. And I mount you only to be bitten and forced away. I hunt down an antelope and drag it's lifeless body to you. My maw is bloody and my face tired.. but I bow my head and offer it to you.”  
He sent that feeling pretty proud of himself. Yes. This is the epitome of sexy. Carlos was bound to understand his true intentions now.

But.. alas. The scientist replied with. “There is no such thing as 'head lion' are you looking for the term 'Pride leader'?” 

Cecil is a patient man. He was able to strap on a smile and breathe through anything. (Except for poisonous gas. No one should be able to breathe through that). He had never once been frustrated enough that he could remember being frustrated. But as of right now. He was just a little bit frustrated. Just a smidgen. A teeny tiny bit that was so insignificant it could be called a pinprick.  
Though.. like all pinpricks, they hurt more than what one would initially think being stabbed with a metal sewing implement would feel like. And then that pain puts a raincloud on your day and you're left thinking about how your gorgeous, charming and smart boyfriend can be such an idiot. Cecil sighed. Sometimes it seemed that the man understood only science. Hm. That gave him an idea. He sent Carlos another text. 

“Do you have eleven protons because you're sodium fine.” 

And almost immediately, Carlos sent an emoticon of a blushing iguana. “You're sweet. Thank you cecil. You've fine as well. ;)” 

A winky face. A winky face! Cecil almost jumped for joy, but then he remembered that jumping had been reserved for wheelchair oriented people since 1994. So he just pumped his fist in the air. Yes. This cat was in the metaphorical bag. He sent another message.

“Do you want to find men more attractive than women? You can't spell sexy without xy. Is it getting hot in here or is it just our bond forming?”

“Want to meet up so I can excite your natural frequency?” Cecil was on a roll with these sciency pickup lines.

And Carlos was now eagerly awaiting each text. He now understood. All of that.. stuff had been Cecil trying to partake in phone sex. Everything made sense now. Even the weird lion analogy. He sent one more before starting to pack his things. “I'll be at your station to pick you up in ten minutes. See you.”

Ah yes. Victory left a sweet taste in one's mouth. Cecil got up and did a sort of victory walk out to the front doors to meet Carlos.


End file.
